Reevaluating
by zucca42
Summary: Post 3x18 One Life to Lose. She wanted someone to dive in with and now here he is, diving in while she lingers in the shallows. Despite his busy schedule Josh is making an effort, but now that the luster has worn off of his grand gesture she's beginning to think that maybe he isn't the person she wants to be diving in with after all.


**Reevaluating **

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AN: I started writing this story ages ago but never got around to finishing it. I'm hoping that posting the first chapter will give me the the push I need to keep going. Let me know if you think it's worth continuing.

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When Kate glances up from her paperwork she sees Castle approaching her desk with an expression that says he's up to something.

"What?"

"Got you a present." he replies, handing her a large envelope.

When she sees whats inside she can't help but grin. She may have been embarrassed when he figured out that she likes Temptation Lane, but despite his teasing its still a sweet gesture.

"Signed cast photo of Temptation Lane. How did you even get this?"

"I know people who know people."

She watches him for a moment as though she's debating whether or not she wants to explain before pursing her lips and shaking her head at herself. She's really not sure why she ever bothered to resist. Castle clearly knows that she's caved because he leans forward, adorably eager, with his chin resting on his fist as he waits for her to continue, and she finds the story spilling easily from her lips.

She's not sure what it is, but there's just something about this man that makes her want to share things; things she normally doesn't tell anyone. She even told him about her mother after only knowing him a few weeks, something she's still at a loss to explain.

She finishes her story, and when instead of teasing her about her sentimental attachment to a cheesy soap opera he tells her he's glad to know this about her with absolute sincerity, she thinks that must have something to do with it. He's always eager for the story, but he treats each new nugget of information she reveals to him as if it were a precious gift. And now he's just staring at her with a dopey smile on his face and she can't look away, doesn't want to, if she's being honest. She loves the way his eyes crinkle and seem to become an even deeper blue when he smiles like that.

Her phone rings, breaking the moment, and she tells herself she's relived they've been interrupted before her thoughts could become even sappier. Castle's eyes dim, and when she sees Josh's name on the screen she hesitates before picking it up, still doesn't answer when Castle excuses himself, and it's not until after she's called out to thank him for the photo as he makes his way to the elevator that she turns her attention to her boyfriend.

"Hey" she answers.

"Hey babe, how's it going?

"Good, just wrapped up the case."

"That's great."

"Yeah. The body was actually found on the set of Temptation Lane."

"That stupid soap opera?"

"Yeah," she dismisses quickly. "Anyway it was actually pretty interesting. At first it seemed like…"

"Kate" he cut her off "I don't have much time. I just called to say I can't make it tonight. Dr. Weller called in sick so I'm covering for him."

"Oh, ok. No big deal." And it's really not. She's come to expect it. They're both busy people and for how long they've been together they don't actually spend that much time with each other. It's probably a bad sign that she's not really disappointed that he's canceled on her, but she doesn't have time to dwell on it because his voice is in her ear again, whispering suggestively about how he plans to make it up to her. She's relieved that he gets called away before she has to figure out how to respond.

After hanging up she releases a deep sigh.

God, what is wrong with her? It was only a few weeks ago that he had decided to stay for her, and it had made her so happy. She wanted someone to dive in with and now here he is, diving in while she lingers in the shallows. Despite his busy schedule Josh is making an effort, but now that the luster has worn off of his grand gesture she's beginning to think that maybe he isn't the person she wants to be diving in with after all.

Just thinking the words in her own mind makes her feel awful. What is she supposed to do? Just say 'Hey Josh, I know that I basically told you that you had to give up your Doctors Without Borders trips if you wanted us to have a chance, but now that you're here I realize I don't really want you around that much so you may as well go back to Haiti.' Somehow she didn't really see that going over too well. And she does care about him. He's a good man and she doesn't want to hurt him.

Maybe she just needs to give it a little more time. She's never been great at relationships, at opening up, and lately he's pushing her to share more, which isn't exactly going very well. Of course he's only trying to do what she's asked of him. She told him that what they had wasn't enough anymore, that she needed more, and so he's been giving her more of himself, and asking more of her in return.

So she finally told him how her mother died. That it's why she became a cop. That she's been trying to solve her case for years, and now with Castle's help they finally seem to be getting somewhere. She thought she would feel unburdened once she told him, that it would bring them closer together, but it just felt felt wrong somehow. He was sweet and sympathetic but he just didn't get why she couldn't let it go. And then there was Castle. Josh was not happy to hear about his involvement. Up until that point she had somewhat downplayed Castle's roll in her life and he was surprised when she called him her partner. Things only went downhill from there.

"_Kate I know he's your friend, but don't you think its a little irresponsible to let some inexperienced writer follow you into such dangerous situations. One of these days he's going to get you hurt, or worse."_

_His comment rankled but she knew he was just concerned so she tried to be understanding. Still she wouldn't let him think it was okay to insult Castle like that. _

"_He's my partner Josh, and for your information he's saved my life on more than one occasion so you should be grateful that he has my back." _

"_Of course I'm glad he saved your life, but I'm sure his presence has put you in danger as well. Wouldn't you be more comfortable with a real cop as a partner?" She could hear the frustration creeping into his voice, though he was clearly trying to keep his tone calm to appeal to her rational side. _

"_No I wouldn't. Quite frankly Castle is the best partner I've ever had. We work extremely well together and I trust him with my life."_

"_How can you say that? He exclaimed as his frustration boiled over. "Just look at the situations he's put you in. You were found locked in a freezer together. When I saw you, you were so pale you looked dead. How is that having your back?"_

"_We were following a lead. My job is dangerous. That isn't Castle's fault."_

"_Oh please, I heard the other guys on your team talking. I know you were chasing down some crazy theory of his."_

"_And he was right!" They were both shouting at this point._

"_Right or not he still nearly got you killed. And now he's pushing you to work on your mom's case, which if I understood correctly involves pissing of some pretty dangerous people."_

"_He's not pushing me into anything, he's helping me. He understands how important it is to me. Unlike you apparently."_

"_Helping you? He's probably just trying to get some juicy new material for his books. Can't you see he's using you?"_

"_What are you basing that on? The ten second conversation you had with him months ago? A few minutes in an ambulance while he was recovering from hypothermia? How dare you accuse him of using me when you don't know anything about him. He's put his life on the line for me, been there for me whenever I needed him. You have no right to question his motives. And do you even realize how insulting it is to me that you believe I'm too stupid to know when I'm being used. It's nice to know how much faith you have in my judgement."_

_Josh clearly realized that he had gone too far and started to backpedal immediately. _

"_Your absolutely right. I'm sorry Kate. I crossed the line. I shouldn't have insulted Castle, and I never meant to imply that I don't trust your judgement. I'm just worried about you. I just want you to be safe. Please forgive me." His tone was pleading, and his apology seemed sincere, but she wasn't quite ready to let him off the hook yet._

"_Just because you're worried doesn't mean it's okay to take your fears out on Castle. And you've always known that I have a dangerous job. It's never seemed to bother you much before. What's changed?"_

"_I guess I didn't understand just how dangerous it is until recently. You never talked much about it before, and now especially after everything that's happened and hearing about your mother's case I just… I don't like it Kate."_

"_What are you saying? That you want me to quit?"_

"_No, of course not."_

"_Then what? You liked it better when I didn't tell you anything? You're the one who wanted to know more about my job. You said you wanted to know me better. Now you don't like what you see?"_

"_Come on Kate, you know its not like that. I guess I just need some time to get used to it."_

_Kate took a deep breath and as she released it she felt the last embers of anger burn out, and it its place was bone deep exhaustion. She didn't have the energy to deal with this right now._

"_Fine Josh. It's late, I should get going."_

"_You don't have to leave." _

"_I'll talk to you later." she said, ignoring his invitation to stay the night, and quickly slipping out the door before he could say anything else._

The next day he showed up at her apartment with flowers and apologized again, but Castle has been a sore subject ever since, and the one time Josh dared to bring up her mother's case after that night she shut him down so fast that she wouldn't be surprised if he never mentioned her mother ever again.

No, diving in is not going very well at all. Josh is still trying, although he is careful to avoid certain topics, but since their fight she hasn't been very receptive.

Despite this she is reluctant to throw in the towel just yet. After all Josh has given up for her he deserves a fair chance. Plus she has a tendency to bail when things get too serious, so if she ever wants to have a lasting relationship she needs to prove to herself that it's a habit that she can break. Maybe if she sticks it out things will get better. Just because she doesn't feel like its working right now doesn't mean that he's wrong for her, it just means that there are some things they need to work through.

And if a niggling voice in the back of her mind is whispering that things aren't working with Josh because deep down she knows there's someone else that she wants to be diving in with, someone else she'd rather share her secrets with, someone with blue eyes and a sexy grin who knows how to make her smile in even the darkest moments, well, she'll simply ignore it. She is well practiced in avoidance and denial where that particular voice is concerned, although lately it's become more difficult to ignore.

She leans back in her chair and runs a hand through her hair in frustration. Now that she has resolved a whole lot of nothing, she is determined not to think about her relationship issues for the rest of the night. And on that note, she could really use a drink.


End file.
